What’s In A Name?
This last Thursday I was out with a friend doing some catch up on things that are new in our lives. It was a great night going to several different bars up along Dickson St. At one point in the night I stepped out of one bar to cool down. As I stood out on Dickson St. enjoying the nice cool weather I hear a couple walking up the street. It’s the all too familiar Dickson St. talk, which bar to go to. As they get closer they walk by a bar that is next to the one I was visiting. The guy says, “Nah, that bar is gay,” (my head perks up at this point) and the girl then follows it up with, “Ya, that bar is totally gay.” OH NO THEY DIDN’T!
When I heard them say this I was just kind of in the state of “Seriously, did I just hear them say this?” I quickly assessed what I should do. Do I return the favor and say, “No, the bar isn’t gay, you are.” Do I stop them and say, “Please don’t use that word as many people find the context you use that word for as offensive.” Or do I say, “Oh no you didn’t girlfriends!” Well, I chose a combination of the last two. I turned towards them and said, “EXCUSE me? Gay?!” They both stopped in their track to the bar and looked back at me. Now, usually when I encounter this I usually will get an apology or at *least* a “Oh, I’m sorry” look. Well, the look they gave me was more of a “Oh, we just got called out in this.” The guy seems like he is about to apologize when his girlfriend drags him into the bar to the other side of the bar I am.
At this point I’m still stuck on that they realized what they said was wrong because they looked like dear caught in headlights when I called them out on it. No attempt to apologize, just a quick dash into the bar. The thought crossed my mind to go in after them to resolve this issue. Alas, I knew better than to walk blindly into the lion’s den (well at least without my “possy”).
This whole scenario made me realize that there are still people out there who use those words that I thought people left behind when they graduated high school. Apparently not. It made me think of GLSEN’s PSA ThinkB4YouSpeak. If people think something is not cool, then they should say it is not cool. Don’t say it is “gay.” Of course the argument that is always used is the whole, “I didn’t mean ‘gay’ as in ‘gay’ but as in ‘stupid’”. Well, last time I looked gay ≠ stupid. Perhaps though, it is a good thing that this word is evolving into another terminology. Of course this attitude came from a personal experience that happened several years ago.
This happened at a dinner after my cousin’s wedding. I was sitting around with my family talking, laughing, drinking, and just catching up. We were all in a festive mood. At one point someone said something and the youngest of the family said, “That is gay.” One would think that my family lost the power of speech. The table fell deathly quiet. All eyes looked at me to see how I would respond, I guess because I’m the gay of the family. So what did I do? I laughed my butt off! It was hysterical hearing my cousin say it, then the moment it left her mouth she realized what she said and who was around. She slowly turns to me and says, “I’m sorry Jason.” I look at her and say “It’s ok. I wasn’t offended.”
It’s the power of the apology that outweigh’s the power of the word.
I’ve been in several social settings where I’ve heard our non-homosexual counterparts use slurs such as, “fag,” “homo,” “dyke,” “queer,” and other words that are surely not blog appropriate. Each time the words left their mouth they quickly turned to me to apologize. Of which, I would smile and say it’s alright. Sure, I didn’t appreciate them using those words but it was the fact that once they said it they realized what they said was wrong and they were mature enough to admit it was in poor taste.
Of course, this is not an excuse when certain people, organizations use gay slurs to harass and demean our Community. I think it’s time we own up to these words and say “So what?” “Duh!” ”Is that the best you got?” “My grandma can come up with better ones than that.”
For a few months now I have been doing my own social experiment (crazy idea, right?). Here is what I’ve been doing. Within my close group of friends I have slowly started using “slurs” that are generally directed at the our Community, mostly those that are used for gay men. The words I chose to use are the most common ones, “gay,” fag,” and “faggot.” Now, I know there will be many people at this moment who are about ready to do the “Z” snap, scream “What kind of Advocacy Director is this?,” and send me angry e-mails but wait and let me explain.
As the title says, “What’s In A Name,” I’m trying to see exactly what is in these names that haunted some people throughout their younger years and taunts from people when they go out in public. So, what if instead of always thinking and believing that such words bring us harm, pain, and sadness we take those words and change their meaning?
I thought that when I first started doing this my friends would look at me weird and think “Did he just say that?”, ask me to stop, or ask me if I meant another word. Well apparently nothing shocks my friends anymore when I do something (which I don’t know if that’s good or bad). Anyway, it didn’t seem to have any impact on them.
So I started using the word more in the appropriate places. So here are the situations that used the word gay: “No, that shirt is gay”, “Does drinking only martini’s and wine make me gay?”, “Oh my gosh, you’ve been fixing your hair for 30 minutes, please stop being so gay”, “You’re on Grindr at work? Wow, you really are gay.” So, I used the word “gay” to use as an any day word that describes a situtation where I, or the people I am with, act in a manner that mirrored our sub-culture that makes one “gay.” The word is meant to be positive connotation. So, it’s along the lines of “We’re here, we’re queer.” The word “queer” has a negative connotation, and is also used as a slur, but recently it is being adopted by several organizations to add to the alphabet soup that is used for our Community, LGBTQ (which that is a wole other post). So now to the words that are a little more touchy.
I knew using “gay” wouldn’t be that much of a big shocker when I would insert it into a sentence. But how would they react when I used the words “fag” or “faggot?” Again, not much reaction. However, for this word I used it would be a harsher, more direct connotation. The instances these would be interjected into would be, “They are acting like fags and need to grow up”, “Stop trying to lock up my phone faggot”, “I’m such a fag for thinking he loved me”, or “Ya, that person acted like a fag last night.” Recently I was talking with two other friends, well maybe not so much talking as listening, but not so much listening as zoning in-and-out, I think I saw something shiny out in the distance. Back to the story, they were talking and I hear one friend say, “He is being a faggot and needs to calm down.” I shot a surprised look at him. My other friend saw my surprise and said, “Oh Jason it’s ok.” Now, I wasn’t bothered by the word but that one friend, who is very, very PC said it and the other friend brushed it off, who again likes to try and keep up that PC image. Has my social experiment worked?
A more interesting time was at a house party a month or so ago. I was out on the back patio having a cigarette and was talking to a friend. Now, out on the patio with us were some straight guys possibly a few years younger than me, maybe early 20′s, which to me is a huge maturity difference. So, not thinking that I’m going to change how I am around them I kept talking to a friend and came to a point where I said, “He needs to stop being such a faggot to you and grow up.” The guys next to me had a shocked look on their face. One of them piped up, “Wow, did you just say that? We can’t even say that.” I thought, “Damn right you can’t say it. It’s our word!”
Now, I know many of you at this point are grabbing your glitter pitch forks and rhinestone covered torches becuase these words are taboo. But again, please let me explain. How many of people out there have used the words, “retarted”, “stupid”, “hate”, “b*tch”, “ugly”, “fat”, “ghetto”, “trashy”, “brain dead”? How many people have told a racial joke or used a racial slur or even thought one in their minds? How many people have heard a Jew/Holocaust joke and laughed or didn’t correct that person? We are all guilty in some way of using words that we shouldn’t be saying at all becuase they will hurt someone. Now, I don’t expect everyone to stop and follow the Noble EightFold Path that Buddhist’s use; of which, makes you literally have to think about what you do, say, think, act, believe, etc.
For the sake of the words that have plagued our culture as insults, taunts, degrading remarks how about we finally take them and say, “So?” Early on in our fight for acceptance from society people used “gay” to describe us. Now, almost everyone who plays on our team uses that word to describe who they are, or some variation; such as earlier mentioned “queer.”
If we start looking at the words, examine what they are, how they were intended, and why it bothers us we could learn to become stronger. We could learn to see that these words have no inherent existence. They have no truth to them except for the truth that we give them. They have no power except for what we allow them to have. So, let’s change it. Let us turn the tables and let us take the power back. Call me gay when I say that beers are nothing but empty calories. Call me a fag when I’m acting silly. I won’t mind. In fact, I’ll smile and say “Way to take back the word.”
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